The belief that I must be perfect, because if I am perfect and never make a mistake, then I can never fail, and more importantly, I will never have to feel shame or embarrassment has been dogging me my ENTIRE life. I don't exactly know where the seeds were planted, but I suspect that it has something to do with being the kid who walked at 8 months and talked at 10 months (in complete sentences thank you very much) and was always praised for being the 'smartest', the 'fastest', the 'funniest', etc etc etc.
Now listen, my parents put a lot of time, effort and love into giving me this praise, most likely because they didn't grow up with it themselves, and they wanted me to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I knew that I was loved fully and completely. Through no intended fault of theirs, the message I heard was, "You are the smartest. I love you." "You are the prettiest. I love you." "You are the best. I love you." Love and praise feels awesome! Who is not going to try really really hard to keep getting some?
And then I went out into the world of other people who didn't always think I was best or the smartest, or who resented me for always expecting to be first in the class and first in line, and if I made even the slightest mistake, they pounced. There is not enough money in the world for me to go through 4th grade again. Nope. Won't do it.
So I put these two lessons (and a lot of others that I won't go into now) together and got what I thought was the truth. If I am perfect, I am lovable, and if I am perfect, no one can pick on me, and people that love you don't pick on you, ergo, I am only lovable if I am perfect.
I spent the next 32 years operating under this principle, doing only those things I knew I could do well, not trying to learn things that I wasn't sure I could master, and living in a smaller and smaller box of a life. I didn't pursue a performing arts career because I didn't think I was good enough. I didn't write the books I wanted, because I was afraid someone would read them and tell me they sucked. I worked my way up the corporate ladder because I was intuitive enough to understand what people wanted and I gave it to them, whether or not I liked what I was doing. I was afraid to risk, because failure wasn't an option. And yes, I longed for a relationship, but mine never succeeded because I "knew" the "truth". I am only lovable if I am perfect, and someday, the dude is going to realize that I am not perfect, and then, he will leave.
The good news is that now I recognize my perfectionism and I am comfortable with making mistakes, learning and growing. I still struggle every day. Every. Single. Day. When you have been wired a certain way since childhood, it's hard to change, but it can be done. That's why even though I haven't cleared any clutter today, I forgive myself. I will do it tomorrow, and today I got to write this awesome blog post, and take that one small step that Lauren is talking about. There is a lot more to say about perfectionism and how it's gotten in my way, but what's important to me is that I have recognized it, and I have put strategies in place to succeed, imperfectly, in spite of my past.
And by the way, if you don't like what I have written, I don't really care. It's good enough for me. :)
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